I’m fat. Normally I would be in denial, even allowing people to downplay my obesity by stating that I am just chubby, or stocky, but today I realize the truth and accept it for what it is.
The reason I am coming to this painfully honest conclusion, is because of McDonald’s all day breakfast and the world of possibilities it means to me.
Starting today with what I lovingly refer to as the Double Brunch McMuffin w/ Egg. You see, I didn’t just think about this combination today. It’s been a long time fantasy of mine since I was a child. Maybe because this has always been a sort of forbidden fruit so to speak. McDonald’s has always been notoriously strict on their breakfast policy. Even refusing to serve you their beloved McMuffin at 10:31am, even if you have been waiting in line since 10:25am. You know you’ve been there before.
So this morning after the show, I decided to make my dreams come true, and have the first ever Double Brunch McMuffin w/ Egg, but I had to make it myself. The idea is simple, take a classic Egg McMuffin, (which in my opinion is the gold standard of breakfast sandwiches) and combine that of a McDouble cheeseburger. (Which normally is like, the bronze standard of shit, but not today) To complete my rebellious experiment, I ordered a hash brown and fries! I don’t know why I got excited telling you that, but then again, I’m fat.
I go into the newly refurbished McDonald’s by my house, around 10:45am this morning. The line in the drive thru is unusually long for this time of day, but is expected with all the hype around the all day breakfast. It is hype by the way. It’s true of the saying, you always want what you can’t have. For decades McDonald’s has been cruelly shutting us down at 10:31am, almost mocking our desire for a golden hashbrown, their face smug as we slowly walk away with our head down in disappointment, even cursing at them in rage swearing that we would never return. We knew we were lying to ourselves, and so did they.
Excited that today not be that day, I approach and order at 10:42am.
1 Egg McMuffin
1 McDouble w/ Cheese plain (No Ketchup, onions)
1 Sm. French Fry
1 Small Powerade
Total price: $7.62
Breakfast of champions? No. Brunch of a man who is restricted no more! A free man! A fat man. They were busy, so it took longer than usual. While waiting I went to the restroom to wash my hands. I noticed that they no longer had a mirror in there. Good call. I don’t want to look myself in the face right now. My order is called at 10:51am, 9 minutes later. First world problem that I don’t care about. Sitting down my meal looked like this.
They don’t serve the Double Brunch McMuffin w/ Egg, yet. So I have to construct it myself. The idea is simple, take the meat from the burger and put it onto the Egg McMuffin. There is a method to my madness though.
The single slice of cheese in between the two patties of the McDouble makes this process ideal. A double cheeseburger has two slices of cheese, leaving one patty stuck to the bun. Why I even know this or consider it fact makes me hate myself right now. Anyways, I put the patties directly on the Egg, lifting the canadian bacon (Or what we’ll call it if we even get into a war with Canada, Freedom Ham) on top of the two patties. The results look like this.
Nice, right!? To be fair, I did need to use an instagram filter to bring out its true beauty, but you get the idea.
The verdict? Better than I thought it would be, and I went into this thinking it would be good. The sandwich held up surprisingly well. The egg never slid out the back, and it all was hugged together by a delicious buttery English Muffin. Did I mention that I am fat yet?
The world of possibilities are endless, and it will take tremendous discipline on my part not to see them all through. At least for now, I can scratch the Double Brunch McMuffin w/Egg off of my bucket list. Even if that bucket appears closer after it.
The good. It was cheap, tasty, and affordable.
The bad. Afterwards I felt tired, depressed, fat. Experienced symptoms of a mild heart attack. Oh, and my girlfriend broke up with me because I would spend my time doing this instead of hanging out with her.